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Men and IMS
Jed Diamond defines "Irritable Male Syndrome": “A state of hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger that occurs in males and is associated with biochemical changes, hormonal fluctuations, stress, and loss of male identity.” We resource the following information from the book “The Irritable Male Syndrome” and urge you to purchase a copy from MenAlive.Com To gain a complete perspective on this midlife phenomenon. Jed Diamond portrays the top 20 feeling states and behaviours that are characteristic of men going through IMS. These are listed below. Although we all experience these from time to time, if you find yourself, or someone you love, experiencing them frequently, you may want to look more deeply at IMS as a cause. The top 20 include: 1. Angry 2. Impatient 3. Blaming 4. Dissatisfied 5. Sarcastic 6. Anxious 7. Hypersensitive 8. Unappreciated 9. Tense 10. Unloving 11. Hostile 12. Argumentative 13. Depressed 14. Frustrated 15. Withdrawn 16. Sad 17. Defiant 18. Defensive 19. Demanding 20. Troubled IMS often expresses itself in two ways. It can be "acted out" or "acted in." Sometimes men express these feelings outwardly, becoming angry, blaming, defensive or demanding. At other times the irritability is turned within and they feel anxious, tense, sad or troubled. Many times men go back and forth and their relationship becomes an emotional rollercoaster. IMS Points of Understanding : • Although IMS can occur at any age it is quite common at midlife. • It can often feel like everything you thought you knew about a relationship is in question. • IMS often strikes those who are most successful. “Having it all” can be a curse as well as a blessing. • The first symptoms can be quite mild and difficult to distinguish from the kind of irritability that is a normal part of life. • Later, the irritability becomes more prevalent and/or more blaming and angry. • IMS at midlife often is related to unresolved issues from childhood. Abuse that has been hidden or covered through the years begins to emerge. • A man feels like the life force is draining out of him and that he must escape if he is to survive. • Though he may love his partner, he feels that something vital is missing. He often expresses this as ”I love you, but I’m not in love with you”. • He may feel a need to move out, find his own place, and find himself. He is vulnerable to flirtations or affairs. He is looking for love in all the wrong places. • It takes a very courageous and insightful man to recognize that IMS is contributing to whatever problems he is experiencing. Learning about it and working through these issues may be the most difficult and important thing he does in life. It may be a “male” issue but wives notice it first : If you’re a man you may be aware that life is more stressful than it should be. At times you may feel that the hassles of life are more than you can take. You think you should be able to handle things, but you sometimes think how nice it would be to get away from it all. You can’t understand why all your efforts to make things better seem to have the opposite effect. You’re tired of feeling that nothing you do is right. It seems that the people you most rely on are no longer on your side. People at work seem more adversarial than supportive. Old friends may have dropped away or are no longer as close. Your children treat you differently and you may have lost connection and contact. Your wife seems to withdraw from you sexually. Where she used to feel warm and cuddly, she now seems cold and prickly. She seems to nitpick at the smallest thing you do or forget to do. It’s increasingly difficult to relax around her. You feel guarded and protective, but also lonely and misunderstood. You too long to have the kind of relationship where you can relax and enjoy the ease of intimacy you seem to have lost. If you are living with an IMS man you may feel you are losing the person you most love and care about. Your sex life is probably not good. There is often tension in your love-making and even when there is passion and excitement, something is missing. What you miss even more than the enjoyment and comfort of lovemaking is the feeling of safety and intimacy you once felt. The gentle touches and warm smiles are distant memories. Where he used to feel warm and cuddly, he now seems cold and prickly. You may feel you are on an emotional roller-coaster, whipped up and down and side to side. There are times you’d just like to get out and walk away, but you remember how things used to be and long for what you hope can still be in the future. You probably feel hurt and you likely feel lonely. You long to get the man back who you loved and used to know. The women who live these men say things like: • I feel like I have to walk on egg-shells when I’m around him. • I never know when I’m going to say something that will set him off. • He’s like time bomb ready to explode but I never know when. • Nothing I do pleases him. • When I try and do nice things, he pushes me away. • He’ll change in an eye-blink. One minute he’s warm and friendly. The next he’s cold and mean. The men don’t often recognize their own hypersensitivity. Rather their perception is that they are fine but everyone else is going out of their way to irritate them. The guys say things like: • Quit bothering me. • You know I don’t like that. Why do you keep doing it? • Leave me alone. • No, nothing’s wrong. I’m fine. Quit asking me questions. • The kids always….(it’s always negative). The kids never….(do the right things). • Why don’t you ever…. Fill in the blank. …want sex, do what I want to do, do something with your life, think before you open your mouth, do things the right way. • You damn….Fill in the blank….fool, bitch, etc. As IMS progresses the words get more hurtful. • They don’t say anything. They increasingly withdraw into a numbing silence. So, What happened? • Men experiencing IMS can change, seemingly overnight, from "peaceful" to "agitated," from "loving to mean," from "content" to "discontented. • Although not always the case, there may be some triggering event such as a crisis with a close friend or relative. • Often the man describes his roles as a son, a father, a husband, a friend. He may feel trapped and believe he has lost his sense of self, his own sense of identity. "When will it be time for me?" he may want to scream. • In his fear and confusion he may feel he has to pull away, destroy the old in order to move on to something new. Mr. Diamond explains, “IMS is a multi-dimensional problem that affects and is affected by hormonal, physical, psychological, emotional, interpersonal, economic, social, sexual, and spiritual changes. One of the reasons it is so difficult to understand and deal with is its complexity. In our 21st century world of high technology and specialization we tend to see problems in either or terms. It’s either physical or psychological; biological or social; personal or interpersonal. The result is we go to one specialist to treat our heart, a different one to take care of our psyches, and still a third to deal with physical pain. No one deals with the whole person, much less the person in the context of his family, community, and social environment. We are learning about the very nature of life, how the genes lay the foundation for who and what we are. But we seem to be losing the larger picture of what it means to be a healthy human being. Who do we go to see about the increasing stress in our lives? Where do we learn about andropause (male menopause) and the changes in men as we age? How do we find out about the hormonal tides that affect males at all ages? What do we do when our problems are larger than can be understood by looking at our own lives? We are social beings and can’t be understood apart from our mates, our parents, our children, our friends, our communities, the world we live in, and our view of the spiritual world beyond. In trying to describe something that is new, it is difficult to come up with a short, accurate, and useful definition. In some sense this whole book is my attempt to define what I mean by Irritable Male Syndrome. What follows is my current definition. I expect it will change through time as we gather more information and conduct further research: Definition of the Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS): A state of hypersensitivity, anxiety, frustration, and anger that occurs in males and is associated with biochemical changes, hormonal fluctuations, stress, and loss of male identity. Whereas feelings like anger, anxiety, and frustration can occur quickly and end quickly, irritability can develop into a mood state that can last over a long period of time and can trigger these feelings over and over again. It can have a major impact on our whole lives. “When we’re in a mood it biases and restricts how we think,” says Paul Ekman, who is professor of psychology and director of the Human Interaction Laboratory at the University of California Medical School in San Francisco. Dr. Ekman is one of the world’s experts on emotional expression. In describing these kinds of negative moods, Ekman continues. “It makes us vulnerable in ways that we are normally not. So the negative moods create a lot of problems for us, because they change how we think. If I wake up in an irritable mood, I’m looking for a chance to be angry. Things that ordinarily would not frustrate me, do. The danger of a mood is not only that it biases thinking but that it increases emotions. When I’m in an irritable mood, my anger comes stronger and faster, lasts longer, and is harder to control than usual. It’s a terrible state…one I would be glad never to have.” IMS Men in Midlife Men at this time of life often want to be free. We want to shed the old ways and find a new self that we can relate to as we age. We often don't know how to bring that about without destroying what we have. However, with guidance and support we can be free and also keep the closeness we crave as well. Your First very brave step toward personal freedom is by saying "that's me" in the privacy of the FortySixty Men's Forum with other men in just the same situation. You will find more information in an interactive setting by Following this LINK to our Forums. Click HERE to test yourself within the IMS Questionnaire If you have questions or would like to make a comment Please click HERE to send your message. Back to the Top |
